Who cares

If people doubt me and ask me why I made these decisions.
Why I do not aim for the glory that could possibly be mine.

I'd answer:

⁴⁵ “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls,⁴⁶ and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.

Matthew 13:45-56


God's kingdom is incomparably greater than all I could wish for on this Earth.
It's like a piece of fine pearl compared to a piece of stone.
I would sell all these worthless pieces of stone, GLADY, to gain a piece of God's kingdom, be a part of it.
Worldly fame, financial security and the satisfaction that results from this world cannot compare to what God has in store for those who love Him.
My perspectives get tattered and messed up at times, but I will not give up.
Jesus is my king and I want to honor Him by obeying his commandments.

When God asks me, "What have you done for my kingdom?",
I don't want to stand there in awe, in regrets, and in sorrow. with no words to say.
I want to be able to say, God I tried my best to build Your kingdom.

Lord,

I want to tell You that I'm so easily distorted.
I truly am a waved tossed in the ocean.
I may think I know things and understand You, but oh how little do I know You, and even myself.

I have tried to fill this hole in my heart with things of the world.
Clothes, makeup, friends, boys, entertainments,... the list goes on
but there is NONE like You.
None.
No one can fill my heart like You do and no one loves me like You do.
No one.
Not a single thing on this Earth.

So, hold on to me, Lord..
I want to remain in You.
You promised that You'll remain in me if I remain in You.

I want to hold on to You and do Your will.

And I will stand up for Your truth.
I am a coward, a big one at that.
but help me.
I need Your help.
I want to stand up for Your truth and for Your cross.
The cross and shame that I should have carried for myself but You took it for me.
Someone so unworthy like me.
You would do that for me.
So I want to live for You.

Please don't let my heart go astray.
Sanctify me and grow me in holiness.
And give me the desires of Your heart.
I want to seek what You seek.

I am a big sinner but Your grace overcomes.
I no longer want  sin to identify me, but Your love to identify me.

Who am I...

Who am I
that the Lord of all the Earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I
that the bright morning star, would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am
a flower quickly fading,
here today and gone tomorrow,
a wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapor in the wind

Still You
hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
and You told me who I am
I am Yours.....


Who am I
that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love
and watch me rise again...

Who am I
that the voice calmed the sea
would call out through the rain
and calm the storm in me


Not because who I am
But because of what You've done
not because what I've done
But because of who You are

I am,
a flower quickly fading,
here today and gone tomorrow,
a wave tossed in the ocean,
vapor in the wind,

still You
hear me when I'm calling
Lord you catch me when I'm falling
and You told me who I am

I am Yours, forever, Jesus.

Waiting

Everyone tells me that I could just have fun.
That I can just do whatever I want and everything will work out in the end.
But I couldn't.
How could I do that when I knew that they weren't meant for me.
They were cute and certainly attractive.
But I knew that we weren't going to end up together.
I know I'm a little too young to think about marriage or anything, but I knew that my life that Christ bought for me, is so much more worthy and precious than just having fun.
We weren't meant to be because we placed our hope in different things.
I saw my mom suffer too much.
So much from my dad.
My hope is Christ but theirs isn't.
I can't do that when I see my mom.
I can't do that when I fix my eyes on Christ.

But
It might be a little different this time.
Although, I'll probably look back to this post later, smirk, and click "delete"
What was I thinking.
Juvenile and stupid.

But I know that,
God is still good.
God is still sovereign.
God is still amazing.
He is my portion forever.
He is most glorified when I'm most satisfied in Him.

sometimes I wish that I could go back.
In high school, all I wanted to do was leave and never have anything to do with my stupid high school.
It was dumb and it was stupid.
But it was so stable.
I hate striving to be something I'm not.
Yes, it is my dream school and yes I love being here.
I love it, I really do.
But being surrounded by people who are so different and just crazy at times drives me nuts.

I wish I had a home to go back to.
A family to return to.
Friends to meet and rent with.

But no, I have to hide my weaknesses and shortcomings so they won't think I'm a failure.
So they won't think I'm a failure.

I guess my focus has shift since I've gotten here.
I promised to Him that I won't let go of Him.

In the end, my heart always knows the answer.

Troubled yet beautiful

how can you be smart

when its love

i already accepted that i relate to nothing

past is heavy but past is past and

i can only try to understand



egoism

too much self importance 

perhaps

luxury of time 

perhaps just series of bad events which were only beautiful

the irony

the facade we put on

penetrating time.

but not egoism.

it is relative but different.

i just know

the more i gain

the more lonely it is

but when people grow together

its something that is not easy but is nice 

and that is something, 

relative.

staying relative is hard

staying honest is hard

i know i'm like a ghost

i have nothing

but myself

and potential, to me is the question of will

thats why i am present to you

RIP Daul Kim

You still make me want to cry, I don't know why.

Your blogposts are so real. 

The thoughts that used to trouble my mind are there, right before my eyes.

I'm simple.

And I believe we all are.

And I hope you didn't do what you did.

No one understands. I mean really.
I make things much more complicated and perhaps make myself miserable on the way.
But really.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm selfish. I know that too.
And I'm sitting in the library, renting about my life.
So much crap to deal with

See the bigger picture

You see, in the midst of arguing about what is biblically right or wrong, I've become a mere infant.
"you are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly?" (1 corinthians 3:3)

In the end, who cares if a wording choice or whatever is right and wrong. We are mere infants in need to start chewing food. We can't dissect everything and act scholarly because that wasn't apostle Paul's purpose of writing this.

"for who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

It's always so humbling to read apostle pauls writings because i realize how weak I am. How petty, ignorant, condescending, and stupid I am. It is not me but Christ who lives in me. So I should stop being a kid and start growing up. What's the bigger picture?

Is this me?

Proverbs 30:11-14 (NIV)

"There are those who curse their fathers
and do not bless their mothers;

those who are pure in their own eyes
and yet are not cleansed of their filth;

those whose eyes are ever so haughty,
whose glances are so disdainful;

those whose teeth are swords
and whose jaws are set with knives
to devour the poor from the earth,
the needy from among mankind."


30:5 "Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him"